Well, iPhone, you’ve done it again. You’ve ruined me. You’re barely bigger than a credit card, but you can do almost everything. Do you realize, iPhone, how high you’ve set the bar…for everything else? Here is a detailed list itemizing the ways in which you have spoiled “simple” things.
1) The beautiful and trendy watch my husband gave me for our anniversary a few years ago. All it does is tell me what time it is and look fantastic on my wrist. That’s all. When I am wearing it on a cross country trip, does it change time as I arrive in a new time zone? No. Does it allow me to go online, sign in to my satellite TV service and tell my DVR to record my fave sitcom? No. Does it tell me what the temperature is in Boston or Pakistan or show me satellite images of storms traipsing their way to my neck of the woods? NO! That ticking little hand is real genius. Just keep going round and round…Yawn.
2) Forks. I can eat some stuff with a fork–stuff I can stab or puncture and I can make neat stripes or crisscrosses in peanut butter cookie dough, frosting or mashed potatoes. That’s it! Fork, you are verging on useless. I can’t eat soup with a fork, I can’t Google “veggies that you can stab with a fork” with a fork, I can’t spell check “fork” with a fork. Until the iPhone came along, I didn’t realize just how disappointingly one-dimensional forks are.
3) My hair straightener and/or curling iron. The hair straightener changed my life…or so I thought. I have very thick unruly hair that kinks up in the most untrendy way (and I live in the muggy, humid Midwest, so use your imagination). When I got my first flat iron, I was giddy for a solid two months. My hair was sleek, shiny, and straight, straight, straight! But guess what? That’s all. Do you think I could use that flat iron to text a group of my friends to tell them how fantastic my hair looks? Do you think I could PROVE it by taking before and after pictures to send to them? Heck, no. In fact, this is how bad my flat iron is: I can’t even go to a home screen and see myself with great hair reflected in it. Thanks for next to nothing, flat iron. (Don’t even get me started on my hair dryer. So you have a cool-burst-of-air function. Big whoop.)
4) Our beautiful stainless steel refrigerator. It keeps stuff cold and spits out ice. Really? That’s all? No Youtube videos? You’re not embarrassed that you can’t even alert me to when I have an email (or send one? Has anyone gotten an email from me that says “sent from my rEfrigerator” at the bottom)? Sure, you can make cheese sprout a microcosmic forest, but you don’t even have a calculator, can’t translate cheese into Spanish (it’s “queso,” by the way; thank you, iPhone). Your insipid ineptness is, well, chilling.
5) Pants. I really like pants with pockets. I think it’s cool that women can wear pants and it’s not a big deal (because that wasn’t always the case. I know this ‘cause I read some stuff about it online on my iPhone). I truly appreciate being covered up by pants so that I’m not walking around indecently. But, pants, we need to talk. Don’t you have GPS so I know where I am, or any apps to help me grocery shop, compare prices or play games? I could probably stick a stack of cards in one of your pockets, Mr. Strauss, but would you deal the cards, suggest a next move and keep score–a running score–for me? I know from past experience that you would not. Speaking of scores, would you be able to tell me who’s ahead in the Central Division standings? Would you post my blog ranting against the limited utility of pants? No sirree, FancyPants. Not so fancy now, are ya?
6) Lightbulb. Mr. Edison, don’t you feel foolish now? That “light” thing was super overrated. I have a flashlight app with strobe function, mosquito repellant and brightness adjustment function on my iPhone. Lightbulb, shed some light on if you can take me to iTunes or Pandora and drum me up my favorite songs and play them for me whenever I want. Boring old lightbulb, you take the fun out of function and put it into the iPhone so that I henceforth will be calling it my iFun and you are now a lightdud.
7) Last but not least, the telephone. Let me get this straight I can’t record and/or edit audio or video or make video conference calls…all it allows me to do is make and/or receive phone calls? Hold on…I’m laughing so hard I can’t type and my Mr. Strauss’s are splitting…Oh, wait. Well, actually, that’s kinda one thing my iPhone isn’t so great at. But there’s a silver lining…my iPhone is brilliant enough to drop a call if it’s a creditor…(That’s really thanks to AT&T–let’s give credit where credit is due). And here’s a little irony, the creditor calling is probably AT&T because we can’t afford their service plan for our iFuns.
